Redirect
by Jade-Max
Summary: After leaving the Jedi order, Ahsoka Tano returns to Onderon to try and sort out what happens next with her life… Not a Romance fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Star Wars belongs to Disney and is the intellectual property of George Lucas. He created the sandbox. I'm making no money off of this and am simply destroying the sandcastles.

**Title:** Redirect  
**Author:** Jade_Max  
**Characters:** Ahsoka Tano, Lux Bonteri  
**Genre:** Hurt/Comfort, Angst  
**Era:** The Clone Wars Post Season 5, Episode 20, pre Order 66

**Summary:** After leaving the Jedi order, Ahsoka Tano returns to Onderon to try and sort out what happens next with her life…  
**Author's Note:** Big 'Thank You's to **_JainDo_** for helping me come up with the perfect title and to **_Amaryllis Complex_** for listening to me hem and haw about this and toss ideas her way. You were a great sounding board!

This idea's been in the works since Episode 20 of Season 5 aired and is pre-written. Look for Updates on Mondays.

**Author's Note Two: **This references the events in "_Beyond a Shadow…V_" of my "_Captain and Commander_" _canon _Vignette series. The most important fact being that Ahsoka is in possession of Rex's blasters. Other than that, you probably don't need to read it to follow this.

_This is -not- a romance fic, for all it may look that way. You've been warned._

* * *

**Redirect**

_Part 1_

_Two Days Post Leaving the Jedi Order_

Landing on Onderon was everything Ahsoka had expected it to be.

With nothing more than the clothes on her back, she stepped off the private transport Lux Bonteri had sent for her and into the glaring sun. Casting a brief look around, she had time to take in the scenery only briefly before a familiar figure, slightly taller than herself, came into focus as it made its way across the landing pad.

Lux.

With no friends outside the Jedi order or the GAR, and no one else who would have sent a ship for her, to take her a much needed distance from the core, she was on Onderon because she really didn't have anywhere else to go. Admittedly, Onderon wasn't that far, but Ahsoka felt better - and worse - just being off Coruscant.

Unease settled in the pit of her stomach, countered by that relief, and warring with the sorrow her time in hyperspace had brought to the forefront. A sorrow that had nothing to do with her circumstance and everything to do with everything, _everyone_, she'd left behind.

Master Plo - his willingness to initiate the move that would have had her reinstated, the closest thing she'd had to a father since joining the Jedi. The individual who'd been willing to spearhead the idea, but not back her when she'd been accused. A betrayal of her trust on the basest of levels she couldn't forgive nor forget.

Master Obi-Wan - the one dissenting voice among the council, the one who'd doubted her capable of the crimes she'd been accused of, but forced to go along with the majority of the council. A man who'd been as much a mentor as her own Master in his own way. A man who had taught her that forethought and planning had as much a place in war as action and reaction.

Anakin - fighting for her freedom and proof of her innocence, but not trusting her to find it herself. A man who'd been both mentor and friend but also a lodestone around her neck. His disappointment and disillusionment were a palpable weight even now, as if she'd somehow failed him by making the choice that was best for her in walking away from an order who wouldn't support her when she needed it most.

Rex - her ever present, supporting Captain and the man who'd had her back and trusted her beyond a shadow of a doubt. The closest friend she'd ever had without realizing it. Mentor, confidante and partner, he'd believed in her right to the end, defending her to brothers who believed her guilty. Letting her go with a dignity and grace that were as much a part of him as his tenacity and passion in battle, he'd taken the burden of telling Torrent Company from her. A burden she felt even now.

She _should _have said goodbye but hadn't been able to bring herself to.

Caressing the grips of the blasters that hung on her hips where her lightsabers had once been, she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Her sorrow was accompanied with a kind of surreal numbness. That she found herself in the position she was now in seemed unreal.

As unreal as the truth of Barriss' betrayal. A truth that was undeniable from the lips of the young woman she'd thought to be her closest friend, especially among the Jedi. She'd been another Padawan to relate to, to bond with, to share life and death situations.

And Barriss had betrayed her anyway. Ahsoka'd been set her up to take the fall for something Barriss had done and would have done again, given the chance.

While Ahsoka's transport had been landing on Onderon, she'd found herself examining the whys. Why had Barriss chosen _her _to take the fall? Why and what had driven Barriss to that point? Even the impassioned speech the other Padawan had given at the military trial hadn't been enough to convince Ahsoka. There had to have been more, something _she'd _done specifically to force Barriss into using her as a target.

The 'Why' of any of it was an answer Ahsoka would probably never get as Barriss' fate was an unknown, in _Jedi _hands, and Ahsoka was a Jedi no more.

No longer a Jedi.

It was a nightmare. Everything she'd ever wanted was gone. Everything she'd ever wanted to be, like ashes at her feet, her dreams destroyed by the fires of the very war she'd been fighting for so long. Another casualty.

It was surreal. _Unreal_.

Yet it was.

Lux finished crossing the platform, slowing his run to a walk as he neared her, an eager smile on his boyishly features. Eager to see her and have her here. He didn't seem to notice her preoccupation, the fact she didn't return his smile. He seemed oblivious to the fact she was shaking slightly, staring at him on the verge of a break down she didn't feel she could afford.

Everything was just too much to handle and his happy demeanor was contrary to everything she was feeling, everything she needed to have understood.

"Ahsoka!"

"Lux."

Even to her own hearing, her voice sounded… wrong.

Whatever it sounded like to him, his smile faltered and faded. He stopped an arm's length away, taking her in from head to toe in a quick visual assessment, his smile completely dying as he did. Ahsoka was wondering what he saw when she suddenly found herself engulfed in a tight, almost desperate hug.

Lux's arms wrapped around her waist and he pulled her to him. Tucking her against his chest, he pressed his cheek against the curve of one lekku. "I'm sorry, Ahsoka," he told her softly. "I know what being a Jedi meant to you."

The words were heartfelt, filled with a genuine regret she could more than just hear, but _feel._ Her throat closed, her arms coming up to wrap around his shoulders as she gripped him tightly, fighting to find the words. They refused to come as the weight of her decision and the spiraling consequences made her sag into his arms, gratefully taking the support and sympathy he offered.

She needed this comfort, this understanding.

Anakin had professed to understand, but he'd been too caught up in his own pain to see hers. Rex, when she'd left him, had understood, but she couldn't have clung to him as she now did to Lux. If she'd held on to Rex, she wouldn't have been able to let go. Would have been drawn back into a system she could no longer support. She'd never have forgiven herself, or Rex, if that had happened.

Which left her with now. Held tight in the arms of a young man for whom she'd held conflicting feelings for some time. Clinging to him, she closed her eyes, tilting her head to his shoulder, and finally, the tears came.

Lux held her as she cried, silent, heartfelt tears, murmuring words of comfort and caring she didn't fully catch. Words that let her know she was no longer alone. Promises to support her in the absence of the network she'd always relied upon and he would never let anyone abuse her the way the Jedi had done. He promised to protect her, to never let anyone do to her what the military had tried, and nearly succeeded, in doing.

Words.

Promises.

Sounds.

No matter what they were, they were words she _needed _in those moments. Words she needed to believe. Words she needed to bolster the conviction that had sustained her in the aftermath of walking away from everything she'd ever known. Words that assured her she'd made the right decision in coming here and to _him._ Where else she would have gone, she didn't know, but in that moment, being held against Lux's slim form, she might not have felt protected, but she felt vindicated.

_Everyone_ had abandoned her.

Be it by action or inaction, the only person who'd cared to see to her welfare was the one who now held her. The one who'd tried to stop her from walking away from the Jedi could have come with her and hadn't. The one who had simply accepted her choice had given her a method to protect and defend herself, but not been able to walk beside her.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't rational. It wasn't even logical, but in those moments and the hours leading up to this embrace, those had all fled. Exhausted, beaten down by the choices she'd been forced to make, Ahsoka found she didn't care.

This was the start of who she would become.

Here, on Onderon, she would begin to heal.

She needed to leave everything behind her, to believe that this was where she was supposed to be. At some point she would have to deal with the psychological and emotional overload that had so completely overwhelmed her - but not in that moment.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow would be soon enough.

Tightening her grip on the young man who held her securely in his embrace, she closed her eyes against the maelstrom of agony and willed herself to numbness.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

_Twenty Five Days Post Leaving the Jedi Order_

The next three weeks passed in a blur for Ahsoka.

Getting settled into her new routine was far easier than she'd ever considered it would be for Lux, to her chagrin, had given her duties that were very reminiscent of what she'd left behind. Duties that had included being lauded a hero of the Onderonian people and going through the motions of dinners of state, meeting the army and diplomats of various surrounding systems which fell under the Onderonian banner. At every turn, she was on Lux's arm, attending meetings and strategy groups - few of which had anything to do with the active war effort - and being closeted with him and his advisors for hours on end.

Her new life was much like her old one have been save for a few key differences.

The room she was given next to Lux's in the Senatorial Place, plush and lavish, was far more than she needed and contrary to everything she'd grown up with. Her clothing, the only thing she'd come to Onderon with, had mysteriously disappeared while being washed after the third day on planet, leaving her to choose from the appallingly opulent wardrobe at her disposal.

Her new clothing was nothing like what she'd been accustomed to and she found it a welcome change. One that had forced her to accept her new role, even as a part of her balked at the idea. The restrictive garments weren't for the warrior she'd become. Lux, however, continued to praise her new appearance and if her looking less like a warrior and more like one of the women from Onderon pleased him, she didn't care enough to argue.

Lux was now her shadow, or rather, she'd become his. He'd taken to touching her - taking her hand, wrapping an arm around her waist or offering her an embrace when her attention started to drift - all ways, he'd explained the first time he'd done it and she'd withdrawn, to remind her she wasn't alone.

Except she was, save him.

Ahsoka rewrapped her arms around her legs, staring into the night sky for the seventh day in a row, unable to sleep as she placed her chin on her knees. Somewhere beneath the roof on which she sat, Lux slept, blissfully unaware of her nighttime sojourns and for that she was grateful.

He'd been wonderful to her since her arrival on Onderon. He was a busy man, reintegrating Onderon into the Republic, but he sought her input... and it was a choice Absoka wasn't so sure was for the best of his people anymore.

If the Jedi could turn on her, couldn't the Republic turn on itself?

Her answer might not have been what it once was, but in these moments, despite his attention, Ahsoka had never felt more alone. There was no Master to turn to and ask for advice. No Rex to talk to on nights like this one. No one to keep her company as the rest of the world turned, caught in blissful slumber, her own thoughts a jumbled mess of counter emotions she hadn't even begun to sort through.

Lux, in his good intentions, made sure she hadn't the time.

It had led her to sleeping less and less, waking from nightmares and indistinct dreams, feelings of unease and urgency she couldn't explain. Not precisely afraid to sleep, Ahsoka hadn't resorted to meditation for the simple fact that she hadn't the inner balance to get anything useful out of it. Instead, she'd started coming to the roof to be alone with her thoughts, trying to work through what her subconscious was trying to tell her.

Barriss, cross legged in meditation, much the way Ahsoka had always pictured her friend before, with her hands resting on her knees, an aura of acceptance and despair around her. The aura often morphed, twisting and turning, Barriss' expression becoming pained, then haunted and finally agonized, her eyes flashing open as her lips parted in a tortured scream.

If events hadn't unfolded as they had, the vision would have sent Ahsoka bolting back to Coruscant to check on Barriss. Part of her still wanted to. Part of her felt Barriss deserved her fate. Part of her, a very small part, didn't care.

But, even betrayed and beaten, torn from everything she'd once been and believed, Ahsoka couldn't stop being who she was. Barriss, in her dreams, needed help and Ahsoka wasn't able to help her. Regardless of _why_ Barriss had done what she'd done, Ahsoka couldn't just dismiss the years they'd been friends so easily.

The turmoil surrounding thoughts of Barriss and the _whys _and _whens_, coupled with the good memories were enough to drive her to tears. She'd not only lost a friend the day Barriss had framed her for the bombings and murder, she'd lost someone who'd felt more like family. In turn, she'd also lost her entire family. The Jedi.

Other Jedi were in her dreams though, not just Barriss.

Master Plo, turning his back on her as she reached for his support and assistance.

Master Kenobi, there but neither offering assistance nor denying it.

Images of Torrent Company, led by Anakin, marching on a building she couldn't identify, the souls of the men she'd come to know like family, crying out with indignation and anger. Anakin, furious and futile, the tempering presence of the woman he loved and could never acknowledge the way he wished while a Jedi, his only buffer.

Padmé.

Ahsoka's heart contracted and she tightened her grip around her knees. Padmé had done everything she could to save her, _everything_ - which wouldn't have been enough if Anakin hadn't found Barriss. The trial had been a farce, a puppet court, and they'd all known it. But Padmé hadn't given up.

Even in her dreams, Padmé continued to fight. For her, for Anakin, for the Republic she so dearly believed in. That the good Senator, her _friend,_ was fighting a losing battle, didn't seem to matter. It was the fact Padmé believed she could win in the end, that there was justice at the end of it all. Much like the faith she'd had in Ahsoka, there to the last and with her even now, but ultimately futile.

Like the war she was no longer a part of.

Exhaling, Ahsoka relaxed her grip a little, blinking away tears as one hand dropped unconsciously to the blaster on her hip.

Thoughts about the war inevitably led to the rest of the rest of the family she'd left behind. The one she'd been adopted into as sister and equal - Torrent Company.

_I should have said goodbye._

Sure, she'd stopped to see Rex - or rather, he'd come seeking _her_ - when news of her innocent verdict had spread. The parting had been bittersweet and personal, more personal in some ways than her parting with Anakin. Rex had, in a supreme gesture of friendship, given her his blasters when she'd refused to accept her lightsabers, which he'd found, before departing. His blasters. She caressed the butt of the one on her right hip again.

Some day she hoped she could give them back to him. Some day she hoped she had the chance to see all the men she'd left behind, not just Rex, but Coric, Kix, Fives, Jesse, Tup, Hawk - and all the rest of their brothers. Men she'd come to think of as family. A family that had been just as important as the Jedi family she'd felt to be a part of.

The Jedi she'd believed in so dearly had proved her trust misplaced and she couldn't help but wonder if, despite having stood shoulder to shoulder with the men under her command, her trust in _them_ was misplaced as well. That fear had kept her from their barracks, had kept her from seeking any of them to say goodbye. If Rex hadn't come to find her, she would have left Coruscant like a ghost.

Unseen.

Unheard.

Unmissed.

Or so she would have believed. The weight of the blasters on her hips proved otherwise. It proved that despite everything, all her doubts in herself and the order she'd dedicated her life to, she still had one friend who trusted and believed in her. One person who would have watched her back.

With her faith shaken, her resolve gone and her heart hollow and numb, she hadn't been able to trust herself to do more than walk away. Turning her back on Rex had been harder than turning her back on the order that had betrayed her.

The memory of Barriss' betrayal, the rawness of its revelation, had been too close to the surface, too _new_, and she'd been unable to do anything _but_ walk away. Her conscience wouldn't have let her stay and, thankfully, those who knew her best had known that. But that betrayal was what she kept coming back to.

Examining every interaction in minute detail, especially the last ones she'd had with the young woman that had once been her closest friend, Ahsoka found no answers.

No peace of mind.

No closure.

Nothing that had given her any indication that Barriss was about to betray her… except her last question about Jedi and attachments. Which, in context, were similar to the questions Ahsoka continually asked herself, struggles she suspected many Jedi experienced, especially in the aftermath of a bombing like the one Barriss had orchestrated at the Temple.

_Why, Barriss? What pushed you from the friend and person I thought I knew, to beyond the boundaries of tolerance? What did _I _do to make you hate me? To make you want to frame me? What did I do to lose your trust, to lose your friendship?_

The questions haunted her. Whatever she'd done to drive a wedge between them - and she _had _to have done something! - she couldn't, for the life of her, think what it was. Ahsoka had continually wracked her brain since leaving Coruscant and come up empty. Each time she did, it was like a knot tightening fractionally, _painfully_, forcing her to reexamine every interaction, every action, she'd ever shared with the other Jedi.

So haunted by doubt and uncertainty, Ahsoka's night passed in a blur.

It was neither the first, nor the last, night she'd spend on the roof.

Overlapping and running one into one another, exhaustion and emotional turmoil weighed her down until she was too caught up in her own problems to see the dangers her inattentiveness bred. To see the danger at her doorstep and the pit she was willingly, if unwittingly, throwing herself into.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

_Thirty Two Days Post Leaving the Jedi Order_

"Where are they?"

Lux didn't look up from the datapad he was perusing. "Where are what, Ahsoka?"

"The... _my_ blasters. Where are they?"

Making a motion on the screen to mark his page, Lux set the datapad aside before lifting his gaze to her stormy blue one. Since her arrival, he'd been nothing but cordial, but having watched her moon over pieces of metal for the better part of the last month, he'd decided to take matters into his own hands. While Ahsoka had cut her ties with the Jedi Order, she'd tenaciously clung to the Republic's Army, soaking up any mention of the clones through the holonet, particularly any stories related to the 501st's Torrent Company.

Enough was enough.

Ahsoka needed to move forward, to accept her new life on Onderon with him, and she couldn't do that with constant reminders of what she'd lost. Especially when the blasters were Republic issue and he suspected he knew who'd given them to her. If she continued to wear them on her hips, she'd never be free.

"_Your_ blasters."

"Yes. Did you take them?"

"They were hardly _yours_."

"They were a _gift_, Lux. That makes them mine. Did you take them?"

"I locked them away," he conceded, watching her reaction carefully and not liking the way she'd said _gift_.

"They're mine!" There was a flare of indignation and hurt on her expression before the insufferable Jedi calm he'd seen so little of since her arrival reared its head. "You have no right-"

"You're living in my home, Ahsoka, and you're not a part of my guards," cutting her off, his tone was even. He'd given this considerable thought before removing the weapons of a war she no longer belonged to. "You've skills and powers that are far more effective than simple blasters. The last thing I want is for someone who does not yet know of your position in my house mistaking you for a threat."

"I am a threat."

"That's not the point."

"You could have just asked me to surrender them."

"Would you have?" He didn't wait for her response. "You wouldn't have. They're a tie to the past you don't want to give up. I can see it," he let the pain he felt watching her seep into his voice. A pain she didn't seem to realize he felt, "you'd rather be with your memories than here with me."

A moment of silence passed between them before her shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, Lux, you've done everything you can to help me, and I _know_ that and I'm grateful for it, but this change isn't easy for me."

Rising from his desk, he went to her, pulling her into his arms, gratified to note that the last several weeks of embraces were finally paying off. She came willingly, easily, her arms sliding around his waist as his slid around her shoulders. The absence of the weapon's belt on her hips brought her satisfyingly closer, no longer an obstacle between them.

"I know it's going to take time," his voice was soft. "You've lost everything you've dreamed of, everything you've worked so hard for. I understand that. You know I do. Dwelling and hanging on to what you've lost isn't going to help you..." he paused and amended his statement, "to help _us_ move forward." His hand slid, one upwards, under her lek to press against the base of her skull, the other moving to the base of her spine. "I want you here with me Ahsoka, not living in what-might-have-beens."

"It's too soon."

Her words were whispered, but Lux could feel the way she trembled in his grasp. Turning his head, her pressed his lips to the side of her face, brushing where the smooth skin met what would have been a hairline had she been human. "It's never too soon to be together. I learned that the hard way. I... I need you, Ahsoka. I brought you to Onderon because I thought you wanted, _needed_, me too."

"I do," she swallowed hard, "I do, Lux, I'm just so confused. I don't have anything to offer you and I'm... I don't know where to go from here or what to do."

"Be with me. Lean on me. I want you to trust me to take care of you while you recover and figure out where to go from here." He paused, his lips still against her skin. "You're not alone, Ahsoka."

Her eyes closed and Lux pressed his advantage, tilting his head to brush his lips along the curve of her cheek. She didn't move, remaining still within his grasp. He pressed further, brushing a caress across her cheek and down before ghosting the softest of kisses on her lips. Her lips parted slightly.

"Lux-"

"Shh," he lifted his hand from her waist, using it to tilt her chin towards his. Easing the strain on his neck, he tilted her head a fraction further so he could kiss her properly. Holding her in place with the edge of his index finger, he ran his thumb along her chin as he coaxed her to respond to him.

Unlike the last time, when he'd kissed her as a way to avoid the suspicion of the Deathwatch - not to mention as the most expeditious and enjoyable way of shutting her up - this was purposeful. He was careful to keep it light, but intense, giving her no reason to doubt that this was intentional. He _meant_ to kiss her. He _wanted _to and had since he'd first met her. This kiss was the one he'd wanted to give her back on Carlac and hadn't been able to.

Ahsoka didn't pull away as she had on Carlac. Then, she'd pushed at him with both hands and nearly gotten them killed despite his quick thinking. Now, she stood quietly. Almost frozen. Her lips were pliant against his, unmoving, as if she'd never truly been kissed before. At least, not properly.

So Lux, who'd kissed a few girls since Carlac and learned a few tricks, put that knowledge to good use. Gentle and insistent, he applied a careful pressure to her lips until they parted. The tip of his tongue touched the edge of her lip with a probing, feather soft sweep. He felt her gasp, her muscles bunching to pull away and he let her go.

She was staring at him, stunned, when he opened his eyes. He watched her lift one hand to her lips, feeling a little smug at the fact she did. He let her absorb the impact of the kiss, one he could feel clear through to his own toes, his blood continuing to hum through his veins as her gaze dropped to his lips. Stepping forward, he pulled her into his arms and was gratified when she put up not even a token of resistance. "I should have asked you about the blasters, Ahsoka."

"You should have," she agreed. "I'd like them back, Lux."

Lux was certain she did, but he wasn't about to give them back. Instead, he offered a distraction. "I have something for you."

Ahsoka pulled away just enough to regard him with a frown. "Something _else_?"

He nodded, the distraction a necessary one as she wasn't ready for what _he _wanted to have happen next. One of the current joys of having her on Onderon was that he could spoil her a little as her host.

"Lux, I really can't accept anything else," to his ears she sounded uncertain, "You've already given me so much. Too much. I couldn't possibly-"

"You need this, Ahsoka," shaking his head, he smiled at her, wishing she had hair he could brush off her face. What was he supposed to do with his hands in a case like this? "The Republic blasters are a symbol of everything you've left behind and a reminder to people who don't need it of our allegiances before the Republic came to our aid."

"They're mine," she countered, "I'm familiar with them."

"You're more than just an ex-Jedi, you know. You're a hero to my people. I've put them somewhere safe for now, I just think they don't send the right message for someone of your caliber and reputation."

She was quiet, watching him, and Lux pressed his advantage. "It's all about image and public reaction, Ahsoka. Just... Try my gift, okay? If you don't find they fit better with the appearance we're trying to portray with you, I'll give you back the Republic issued ones."

She still looked uncertain but Lux pushed through it, as he so often had since she'd arrived, knowing that she'd see it his way if she hadn't been burdened by the despair that had been her constant companion. She was a logical and smart young woman - when she wasn't reeling from the shock of her life being turned on its head.

Leading her with the barest of resistance to his desk, he opened the top drawer and pulled out a bundle of fabric, placing it on the top. With a flick of his wrist, and keeping one arm around her waist, he splayed the contents for her perusal.

He didn't miss her sharp inhale of breath, felt it though his fingertips, and smiled, pleased. "The lightsabers were collected from the vault when we took back the palace. We were going to send them to the Jedi Temple. Then you messaged me to say you were coming and I thought it was more fitting for you have them."

She didn't say anything, simply stared at the cylindrical casings. Slowly, ever so slowly, Ahsoka reached out and grasped the edge of the fabric, pulling it back over the weapons. "Send them back to the Temple," her tone was even, almost emotionless, "these are a Jedi weapon, Lux, and I'm no longer a Jedi."

Surprised, and a little worried, he searched her vacant expression before agreeing. "If that's what you want."

"It is."

"And the stiletto and holdout blaster?"

"The...?"

Lux drew her attention to the other two weapons on the other side of the fabric, pulling it away when it was clear she hadn't seen them. "These. They belonged to a cousin," he smiled faintly, mentally urging her to accept them. "They're all I have left of my mother."

"Your... Lux, I couldn't. I-"

"Please, Ahsoka, she'd want you to have them."

"But-"

"They're more fitting to your station here with me," he wheedled, "and won't draw the eye like your republic clunkers."

"I don't think what I wear on my hips will stop people from watching me."

Privately, he agreed. Watching her hips was a guilty pleasure of his. "You're a beautiful and striking young woman," he told her honestly, "and probably the only Torgruta on the planet. People will watch, but that just means there's all the more reason to be conscious of the image you project. Onderon needs strong leaders and this strong leader needs you."

"Lux, I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't-"

He silenced her with the quickest of kisses, just enough to stop her refusal. "You can. What you wear reflects on me, Ahsoka. Do this for me - please?"

She seemed inclined to resist and Lux offered her a smile. "If you need to, you can think of it as a way of paying me back. People will recognize those and know they were my mother's. It never hurts to remind them of a martyr or the Hero you are."

"It's that important to you, huh?"

"It is."

She sighed. "I'll try, Lux, but if they're not a good fit..."

"They will be." He squeezed her, unable to help the delight he knew must be in his voice. "Just you wait and see."


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

_Forty Five Days Post Leaving the Jedi Order_

Conceding to Lux's requests were a small thing to Ahsoka.

What she didn't see was the bigger picture.

For weeks she had been conceding small victories to him, doing as he asked against her better judgment or desires, and the surrendering of Rex's blasters had been but another in the small steps that were slowly, if inadvertently, stealing her independence.

Lux continued to ask for, and she conceded, small and seemingly inconsequential boons. One thing led to another. A hug into a kiss, a kiss into physical caresses, physically caresses into a dance, a dance eventually leading into his bedroom on a night several weeks later when she'd been feeling particularly abandoned.

When Lux had drawn her away, she hadn't protested. When he'd kissed her more ardently than she'd ever yet been kissed, she hadn't thought twice about kissing him back. It wasn't until his hands were on her bare flesh, his lips on her skin, that she even considered pushing him away.

But she hadn't.

Greedily taking what he offered to assuage the feelings of abandonment she hadn't yet come to terms with, Ahsoka found that what she got was something less…

His hands were far less clumsy than hers, slipping the skirt and top from her body with a hasty ease that was almost indecent. Ahsoka didn't care where he'd learned the skill, just that everything was happening so fast, she didn't need to think.

Weeks of being kissed and caressed had prepared her for this.

Lux had coerced her, coaxing her to respond to him in ways she'd never conceived before coming to live with him on Onderon. Who would have thought she would enjoy having him try and sweep her away, her senses dulled by drink and the start of passion?

He nipped at her skin, his bare chest brushing hers - when had he lost his shirt? - before he eased her backwards to the bunk, bracing himself atop her. "Is this ok?"

"Fine, Lux."

It seemed to be the right answer for he smiled, slightly strained, and moved down her body. Ahsoka felt his touch, the slide of his flesh against hers, the glide of his smooth Senator's hands across her skin. His lips trailed over her collarbone and down to her chest, touching the parts of her that were mirrored with her human counterparts, but never brushing her lekku or montrals.

He never touched the most sensitive parts of her that would have drawn her more fully into the encounter, leaving her on the edge of that dizzy feeling that had drawn her in to begin with.

She arched unconsciously as he completed the journey, his body joining her in the first steps of the intimate dance he'd initiated. The sheen of sweat across his skin, his hair hanging down into his eyes, the grip of his hands ever so briefly on her hips before disappearing as he braced himself once more above her.

"-and this?"

"Lux-"

He said nothing more as he pushed forward, taking possession of her body. Ahsoka felt it - the odd sensation as her muscles rippled, giving way to him in a way she'd never before felt - but with every surge forward, it wasn't as if they were merging. It was as if for every inch he gained, she retreated.

Mentally, Ahsoka couldn't connect to what was happening. So, detached, she examined the situation abstractedly. As if not a participant, but an objective observer. Not an occupant of the body joined to Lux's.

She watched with an almost clinical detachment as he pressed her to the bed. Her body responded in kind, lifting him, only to be pressed back to the sheets.

His ragged breathing was loud in the room, his eyes closed, and he didn't seem to notice her lack of sound as his own gasps and moans filled the silence. Her name was ragged on his lips as he suddenly gave a cry, pressing her down with a series of short, frantic movements before he groaned. Lux remained poised above her, taught and tense, for long seconds before collapsing.

He was slick with sweat, his skin almost burning to the touch, but she wrapped her arms around him anyway, holding him close and whispering words she wouldn't recall later. Words she didn't hear. His body relaxed as it took a long several minutes for him to regain his breath and his motor control.

It wasn't until he withdrew that Ahsoka seemed to come back to herself.

No longer an observer, she was once again an active participant - for what it was worth.

"Ahsoka," his smile was soft, wondering. "You were..." Words seemed to fail him and he leaned down to kiss her lingeringly. When he pulled back, his expression was full of an emotion she couldn't read. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," she returned his smile even though she still felt agitated and unsatisfied, the encounter not what she'd expected it to be, but unable to understand why, "that was..." She trailed off, looking for the right words.

Lux misunderstood her and grinned boyishly, "It was, wasn't it?" He cut her off with another kiss, not giving her the chance to contradict him. "I'd hoped you coming here would lead to this, Ahsoka."

The statement distracted her from her disappointment. "You did?"

"I've always wanted you. I wanted us to be more than just friends."

"And this was what you had in mind?"

"I can't say I didn't hope for it." He touched his forehead to hers. "I'm just so glad, so _happy_, you want me too."

She didn't contradict him but Ahsoka wondered if she really did.

* * *

The next morning, Ahsoka stood in the shower, water sluicing down her bare form, trying to sort through what exactly had happened the night before.

She'd been reeling. Disturbed, more so than other nights she'd been on Onderon, and Lux... Lux had tried to distract her. He'd given her a temporary physical outlet and a mental conundrum all at once. _Is there something wrong with me?_ Her silent question was asked to an unseen wall, her attention focused inwards. _Shouldn't I have enjoyed that on some level? Shouldn't I have-_

"Ahsoka?"

She spun, drawn from her thoughts by the sound of the inquisitive inflection of her name, her hands dropping down automatically to cover herself. With effort, she dropped them, pulling back the steamed glass door a fraction to stick her head out. "Do you need something, Lux? I'm trying to - what are you doing?"

"I was thinking," already pulling off his robe, his smile was smug, "about joining you."

Staring at his now naked body and its biological reaction, Ahsoka spoke before she gave it any thought, her eyes slipping away uncomfortably. "No!"

Lux paused, his smile faltering and fading with her harsh denial as he made to move towards her. "No?" He sounded incredulous as he repeated her answer. "Ahsoka, we've slept together, I hardly think-"

"I need a little time to myself," despite the fact she owed him a lot, Ahsoka couldn't bring herself to back down. She _needed_ this time by herself. "I have a lot I need to think about, Lux."

"So not no," he countered, "just not now."

It was good enough. "Yeah," she conceded, "just not now."

Lux moved towards her anyway and when she made to move back, he reached out to catch her behind the neck, pressing a kiss to her lips. "Take all the time you need, Ahsoka. I understand. I'll be in my office if you need anything... Or change your mind."

He was gone before she found her voice again, a heavy weight settling around her shoulders as she closed the door and stepped back under the spray.

Dread, she suspected as tears pricked her eyes and she closed them, wasn't what she was supposed to be feeling at the suggestion and imminent prospect. As she lost the battle with her emotions, she tilted her face to the nozzle and let the water wash her tears away.

* * *

_Last night couldn't have gone better_, Lux thought smugly as he slid into his chair, whistling a little off key tune. _I'd better arrange to have her things moved to my room. Now that we're lovers, _he grinned at the term, _I don't like the idea of a wall between us._

Reaching out, he touched a comm. on his desk. "Magda."

_"Yes, Senator?"_

"Please arrange to have someone pack up Ahsoka Tano's room this morning."

_"Will she be leaving us, sir?"_

"No," he couldn't keep the satisfaction from his tone and didn't even try. "Have them moved to my chambers."

There was silence for a moment from the other end. _"Your chambers, sir?"_

"Yes. My suite. Miss Tano will be sleeping there from now on."

_"Would you like your things moved to another set of chambers, Senator?"_

"No. Leave them. She'll be living with me now."

_"Oh." _There was a pause before Magda seemed to get what he was saying. "_Oh! I see. Very good sir. I'll arrange for it first thing."_

"Thank you, Magda. Let me know when it's finished." He flipped the comm. off without waiting for a reply. Satisfied the task would be carried out, and just as satisfied to have gotten what he wanted from the start, Lux was already thinking ahead to later that morning.

Ahsoka's bout of shyness in the shower didn't bother him. He understood if she was shy. He was her first, had to be with the way he'd needed to instruct her on kissing from the start, and he'd been shy around his first too. Later, when she'd had a chance to think about what had happened, he was certain she'd be coming to find him.

He wasn't disappointed.

Ahsoka did come looking for him later, almost two hours later, and when she stepped into his office, Lux couldn't help himself from looking her over from head to toe. Dressed in a pair of leggings and an over dress that was reminiscent of what her former battle dress had been, her curves were on display, including a hint of cleavage the low cut of the top couldn't hide. His gaze lingered there before sliding further south. Finished off with a pair of boots, Ahsoka appeared to be unarmed, but Lux knew she never went anywhere without a weapon.

He banished the thought and simply looked his fill as she began to cross office. She looked as beautiful this morning as she had the night before, even without the formal attire. Maybe because he'd always considered her his, but had solidified that claim the night before, he was feeling she couldn't have looked more beautiful if she'd tried.

"Where are my things, Lux?"

It wasn't the question he was expecting especially when it should have been obvious. "They've been moved to our suite."

"To… our…?" Ahsoka blinked and stopped where she was in the middle of the room. "What do you mean?"

"We're sharing a bed, Ahsoka," he moved from around his desk and went to her. "You shared your body with me last night," reaching out, he slid his hands to her hips, not noticing when she flinched, and pulled her to him with a gentle tug. Looking up to meet her azure orbs, he smiled at her. "I thought that, since you're now my girl for real, it only made sense."

Her throat worked. "Why didn't you ask me, Lux?"

It hadn't occurred to him she might not want to. Blinking, his confidence wavered a little. "You don't mind, do you?" searched her expression, Lux found he couldn't quite make out what she was thinking, just that she looked uncomfortable. "Ahsoka?" Her hesitation hit him hard. "You want to be with me, right?"

* * *

Staring at him, Ahsoka wasn't completely certain of her answer. Lux had done everything for her ever since she'd arrived. He'd given her acceptance and support, a purpose and a path and a chance to heal. Still feeling unsettled from her shower and the knowledge that he expected for things to move ahead as they had developed, she wasn't sure how she could deny him without ruining her position here.

Nothing came to mind and even as she thought it, she found the battle wasn't worth fighting. She _did_ want to be with Lux, she just wasn't sure how close she wanted to be. She needed more time and it didn't look like she was going to get it.

"Ahsoka?"

"Of course," she agreed at his prompting, answering honestly. "It was just... this is all moving a little fast. I'd only just gotten used to my room."

"But we're sleeping together now, doesn't it make sense to share the same bed?"

"It does, but-"

"I can have them move my things to your suite - if that's easier for you?"

"That's not what I mean."

"You don't mean that we should have separate living quarters, do you?"

That was exactly what she meant. She needed some space and suddenly felt like he was smothering her. "Lux-"

He pulled on her hips again, nudging them with his and cutting her off. "No. I'm not letting you go now that you're mine, Ahsoka."

"I need time to think, Lux," she countered. "If you'd only asked me first, it would have given me time to get used to the idea."

"What's there to get used to?"

"We…" she felt her skin heating with the human equivalent of a blush, "we've only been together once, don't you think it's a little premature? A little… soon?"

Her answer was Lux sweeping in to kiss her, his lips insistent and passionate on hers. Dominant in a way they hadn't been the night before. Something stirred within her at the possessive kiss, something that had been dormant when they'd been together the night before, and her lips opened to his, matching his kiss.

She'd just begun to kiss him back when he pulled away.

"Sorry." He smiled sheepishly. "I got carried away," he kissed her again, a feather light brush of his lips that was quickly over and vaguely disappointing. "I can't stand the thought of not having you with my, Ahsoka. I know I already told them to move your things, but do you think you can forgive me for being overeager?"

Put that way, how could she not? It couldn't hurt to give her nights to Lux when he so obviously desired them. He hadn't asked her for much since her arrival. Was the pleasure of her company such a high price to pay?

"I guess." She sighed and smiled at him, rationalizing that she could find some space to herself later. "You need to start asking me about this stuff, Lux. I'm used to making the decisions, remember?"

"Maybe," he agreed, bending in to kiss her cheek before letting her go and heading back to his desk. "On Onderon you're a guest, not a military commander, though. Wasn't you who told me the mark of a leader is knowing when to follow?"

"I might have."

"And I believe it was you who told me experience is everything, right?"

"I did."

"Then, in this case, let me lead, okay?" He flashed her a smile. "I've got a little more experience with this kind of thing than you."

Ahsoka didn't dwell on what that meant as she left the room, closing his office door behind her. Already her thoughts had moved beyond the petty need for her to have her own room, a selfish desire when she'd already, as Lux had said, begun sharing his, and turned back to the tasks at hand for the day.

That the resolution nagged at her through the day, she tried to tell herself was normal. If he'd simply asked her first, she wouldn't be feeling this way, right? Lux was her friend and now her lover, it was only natural he wanted her to be close. It was easier, better, to simply give Lux what he wanted. It could only get better and they would be together as he wanted.

What Ahsoka ignored and suppressed as the days progressed, was that nowhere in the equation, did she consider her own wants and desires. Needs that, as she suppressed them further and further, demanded to be heard and refused to be ignored.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

_Sixty Days Post Leaving the Jedi Order_

"I'm sorry, General, I don't think your plan will work." Ahsoka looked over the battle plan that Saw Gerrera had brought her with a shake of her head. "Your people still aren't an army for all you've trained them to be. What you need to do is instill new training camps and methods. Guerrilla warfare is good when your force is small, but what you're talking about here is a large scale assault. The tactics are different. They have to be."

"Any skills in particular you think the men would need to know, Adviser Tano?"

She flinched with the name, still not used to it.

Lux hadn't wanted her to speak with Saw but, after Lux had told Saw in no uncertain terms that he was _not _to speak with Ahsoka while she'd been in the room and cutting her off in the process, Ahsoka hadn't been able to resist sneaking out of the palace that afternoon. Her discussions with Lux had him insisting he'd denied Saw her expertise for her own good, much as it pained him not to use it for his people. Her… boyfriend, though most saw him as her consort, had claimed to be worried talk of the war would just make things more difficult for her. It bothered her that Lux thought he could make that decision for her without so much as seeking her opinion. More and more it was a trend that he seemed to have gotten in the habit of and she, looking back with a cringe, had let him.

She'd been on Onderon for two months now. Two long months where she'd been given the opportunity to heal and reflect, things she'd been in much need of.

While the situation with Barriss wasn't one that she was sure she'd ever come to terms with, in throwing herself into the problems of the Onderonian people, she'd learned that betrayals were a common thing. Jedi were supposed to be above the petty practice, but Barriss' actions couldn't be described as anything except that.

Two months of soul searching to the exclusion of almost everything else had shown her several hard truths. She should have listened and been a better friend to Barriss. Should have made herself more available instead of turning to Rex and the men. If she'd been closer to her Jedi roots and less attached to her station as a GAR Commander, she might have been able to see the warning signs.

Perversely, if she'd been closer to Barriss, this betrayal might have happened anyway and it would have hurt even more.

Ahsoka couldn't regret being close to Rex and the men, though. They had been her closest and truest friends and Rex's parting gift to her spoke volumes of just how highly he valued her. To have that value diminished and cheapened because someone thought she couldn't handle the mental aspects of a simple battle plan meeting, and going so far as to _not _solicit her opinion directly, irked her.

"Adviser?"

"Sorry, Saw," pulled back to the present, Ahsoka shook her head, "you were saying?"

"I was asking for your opinion," he looked at her hard, "Unless Senator Bonteri is right and I shouldn't have solicited it? Are you feeling well?"

"Fine, Saw - and call me, Ahsoka, alright?" She picked up one of Saw's datapads. She made a few notations on the training schedules, deleted others and reassigned several of the divisions to preparatory skill drills. "I know Lux means well, but I'm just fine. Working with you isn't going to tax me. This is child's play."

"War is hardly a child's game."

No, it wasn't, and yet the Republic continuously sent men who had been born and bred in less than ten years to the front lines to fight their battles for them. As far as Ahsoka was concerned, the turn of phrase had more basis in reality than most knew or wanted to accept. "Here, try these."

Saw scanned through the notes on the datapad and his expression cleared. "You're sure these will help with our preparations?"

"If you're going to assault that droid base on the moon, you need shuttles and their pilots, people trained in Zero-G and demolition experts." She nodded to the pad. "It's not quick fix by any means, but you can cross-train a lot of people who have the basic skills from other professions. Speeder pilots can learn shuttle controls, farmers and miners can be called in to train with demolitions experts and the like." She smiled faintly. "You'd be surprised how many skills people have that we don't ever think of capitalizing on."

"I'm glad you came to see me, Padaw-" Saw stopped awkwardly. "Sorry."

"Don't be." He'd almost called her Padawan and, for the first time in months, Ahsoka didn't feel more than the dull, aching sting of regret in her gut at the mention of her former position. Did she regret leaving? How could she when every one of her principles demanded it? What she regretted was the way she'd left and the people she'd left behind without so much as a goodbye. "I hope that will help. I know Lux doesn't want you to seek my council on this, but if you need more-"

"I'll call," he assured her, lifting the datapad in thanks. "We're indebted to you again."

"Take care of yourself, Saw."

"And you. Be patient with him, Ahsoka," Saw smiled faintly. "He means well."

"I know he does." At least, that's what she kept telling herself. Lux always _meant_ well in his own way, it was starting to feel like his way and hers weren't on the same path. "I'd better get back before they notice I'm missing. Good luck."

Saw waved her away, already lost in her changes to his notes, and Ahsoka stepped out of the warehouse where she'd found him. Stretching, she looked around. Onderon's capital was much as she left it the last time she'd been. She approached to the edge of the block and leaned her shoulder against the building wall, observing from a safe distance as heavy machinery worked on one of the buildings nearby. Repairs were under way for some of the damages that had been caused during the droid's occupation, but it was her first opportunity seeing it up close and without Lux as her shadow.

He _preferred_ she stayed within the walls of the estate where he did most of his business.

Originally, perhaps, she'd preferred it that way too. Staying away from the people she'd once helped had seemed sound at the time. She'd wanted to be alone, had needed the time to reflect on what had happened and where her circumstances had left her. As a result, Lux had only taken her out when matters of state demanded it of him. Which, she reflected wryly, had been often, leaving her only her nights as a place to reflect and consider everything that had led to her current state of affairs.

Saying goodbye to her former life was proving to be more difficult than Ahsoka had ever anticipated. Her thoughts drifted back to what she'd been thinking about while speaking with Saw. It had been her choice to walk away and, as a Jedi, it should have been easy. No entanglements. No attachments. If she'd followed those tenets of her order, walking away would have been a simple matter.

Except she hadn't.

She'd been attached in ways she'd never known, and not just to Jedi, and it had taken her making that break to realize everything she'd given up in walking away. She'd been over them so many times over the last few weeks, it still shocked her to realize just how many people she'd been attached to. Was _still_ attached to.

The men of Torrent Company were an attachment she'd struggled with before taking her leave of the Jedi Order - Rex in particular. She'd never been as attached to anyone as she had been, as she _was_, to him. He'd been her closest friend and ally, her battle partner and not just on the battlefield. He'd been her sounding board and rock for so long that losing his support, even willingly, still left her reeling in ways she'd never expected.

Her hands dropped to her hips and her gaze followed them downwards with a frown as nothing stopped them, her arms hanging loose at her sides.

_Rex's blasters._

For a moment, as she'd been thinking about her friend, she'd almost _felt _their familiar weight. It made her unaccountably sad that they were not her hips, where they _should_ have been. Instead, her hand brushed over the slim blaster Lux had given her, strapped high on her thigh. The one that had been his mother's. It was similar, nearly identical to the one carried by Padmé.

Padmé - another who had known her quite well and to whom Ahsoka knew she was attached. Not just because she now knew without her doubt that Anakin was attached, but because she truly considered the Senator a friend. They'd been through too much together, especially with Anakin around, not to be. Part of her wondered if Anakin hadn't specifically planned it that way, encouraged her to become close with Padmé so that they'd both want to protect her, giving the Senator two Jedi guardians. Whatever the reason, she was glad of it for all it still pained her now. Contact with Padmé would lead to contact with Anakin, and, as a result, she couldn't risk one for the other.

Anakin's support and unwavering belief in her had only served to reinforce her trust in him, the bond between Master and Padawan one that was more of parent and child initially until she'd come to think of him as a sibling more than a teacher. Still a mentor, but family.

Like Master Plo. He'd been like her father, a supportive, if distant... until he'd turned his back on her, believing that she'd been capable of bombing the only home she'd ever known and killing those she saw as kindred spirits. Still, despite the fact he'd not supported her, she knew there was a thread that would always tie her to him. She'd come to accept that, even forgive him. Master Plo had been following the _logic _of the evidence so she couldn't really fault him on a Jedi procedural level. Just a personal one. And to Jedi, _true_ Jedi, nothing was ever personal.

Master Obi-Wan had often worked together with she and Anakin and had been one of the few people she'd believed to know her almost as well as her Master. As a Jedi, anyway. He knew her character and her moral fiber. Like an Uncle one saw frequently and spent a good deal of time with.

And Barriss.

Ahsoka exhaled, lifting one hand to rub her forehead as she straightened. Barriss was her road block. Even now, eight weeks after leaving, the questions she'd asked originally still bothered her. She no longer woke from nightmares with frequency, but she still had them. Nothing, not even Barriss' impassioned speech to the tribunal just moments before it would have likely ended Ahsoka's life, gave her any clues.

The _only _conclusion Ahsoka had been able to draw with respect to Barriss was that she had to accept what she couldn't understand and couldn't change. It was a very Jedi outlook, but the only one that had brought her any measure of peace. Given the chance, she had every intention of seeking Barriss out and getting answers to the questions that plagued her. If the chance never came… Ahsoka knew that she was starting to accept that it was a possibility, a very real likelihood, and could push forward.

Barriss' reasons were her own and, because she'd made certain choices, didn't mean that _Ahsoka _had been in any way considered at the time.

Having found ways of identifying her attachments, not that she really needed to now that she was no longer a Jedi, calmed her. It had helped, over these last weeks as she'd slowly and painstakingly identified what made each of the relationships she'd left behind so different, to label them. Each step forward was like moving beyond the mire that held her in thrall.

Now that the fog which had occupied her thoughts and mind for so long was starting to clear, Ahsoka found herself wondering how she could ever have been so selfish. Walking away without so much as a goodbye to many of the people who'd made such an impact on her. Men and women that had deserved to know the impact they'd had on her. All of whom had deserved better.

Her thoughts clearer than they had been in quite some time, Ahsoka sighed and headed back to the estate. She'd left Lux in some official meeting that hadn't required her presence and used the unexpected free time to come and see Saw. On her way back, as she was crouching to jump over the perimeter wall and into the branches of the impossibly high tree that breached it, Ahsoka reflected on the fact that her comings and goings were monitored.

Lux always wanted to know where she was going and when she'd be back, not to mention scheduling their time so that they spent a good deal of it together. It wasn't unlike, she mused as she dropped back into the courtyard and headed for the side entrance, needing to report to Anakin or Rex during combat operations. Restrictions she'd only begun to feel here, but ones that chaffed even then.

Grateful as she was to Lux for taking her in and doing everything he had for her, gratitude would only work for so long to keep her strong spirit in check. She'd been content to let Lux lead her when she'd been too lost to lead herself but now that she was starting to assert herself again, starting to realize her options, something had to change.

Fast.

* * *

Two days later, word that she'd spoken to Saw reached Lux's ears. Disappointed at needing to have it out with her over something that should have been so simple, Lux confronted her on her meeting with Saw. "I told you not to go see him," with a frown, Lux shook his head. "Saw is more than capable of managing the Onderonian army without you, Ahsoka."

"Saw asked for my help, Lux," she was pacing on the other side of his desk, having refused - much to his annoyance - to sit in the seat he'd offered. "I wasn't about to turn him down."

"Why not?"

"What do you mean, why not?" she looked at him calmly, coming to a stop. "Saw helped us free Onderon. He's a friend, Lux; a friend who asked for my help to continue advancing the training of _your_ military."

"He has advisers for that," Lux gripped his desk and pushed to his feet. "If they can't advise him, then perhaps it's time to find someone who can."

"I can."

"No."

"_Excuse_ me?"

"You're not ready to jump back into this, Ahsoka, it's still too new." He tried to reason with her, coming around the desk with slow, measured steps, but not reaching for her. Not yet. "It's too close to what you left behind, don't you think something different is better for now?"

"I won't argue that different is a nice change of pace," her counter was accompanied by her crossing her arms over her chest, "but the familiar can be just as comforting. I _want _to help Saw, Lux. There's no reason I shouldn't and you know it."

Lux sighed and examined her for a moment. She seemed determined to go through with it no matter how much he objected to it. "No reason. My concern for you isn't enough?"

"What are you talking about?"

He approached her then. "I still see you looking into the distance when you think no one is watching with that sad expression Ahsoka. Your former life is gone now. You have a new one here with me." Reaching out, he ran the backs of his fingers across the back of one of her hands where it was gripping her bicep. "_We_ are building a life together, one that looks to the future, not the past. I don't want you working with Saw because of everything he'll remind you of."

"Lux-"

But he wasn't finished, and Lux didn't let her speak as he continued. "It bothers me to see you so mired in things you can't change when you made the only decision you could have and lived with yourself." His fingers curled around hers, loosening them from their grip and drawing her arm towards him even as he stepped towards her, lifting her hand to his lips. "I want what you want, Ahsoka."

"You don't know what I want, Lux."

"No?" He nibbled on her knuckles, watching her. "I don't believe that. You want to wake up next to me in the morning, to share the good and the bad times, just as I want to do with you. I want to support you, but supporting you doesn't mean doing so blindly." His smile was faint. "I leaned that from you."

"Learned what?"

"That sometimes you have to speak your mind to get what you want." He tugged on her hand and Ahsoka came to him on a half-step, but he made no move to touch her, other than the hand already at his lips. "And sometimes supporting someone means you have to speak up, often against, what they're proposing."

"I… suppose."

Pressing his advantage, Lux stared down into her eyes. "It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I didn't tell you how I felt, right?"

"Sometimes supporting the other person also means watching them make a mistake."

"True. Except in this case, I've watched you clawing yourself free of the confusion your life had become, seeking a direction. I've tried to help you, to watch over you, to give you the time and space to figure out where you're going now."

"Lux…"

"Is it selfish of me to hope that you're going the same way I am, Ahsoka?" Lowering her hand, he lifted one of his to her face and gently touched her chin. "Is it selfish of me to be glad we're building something here that not only helps you, but puts our futures on the same course?"

Her look was conflicted and Lux ducked his head, pressing his lips against hers to prevent her answer and taking advantage of that momentary lapse. He stepped into her bodily, bringing them flush together as he released her hand completely, sliding his left arm around her waist and drawing her close even as his right hand cupped her jaw and tilted her head to accommodate his kiss.

She responded almost immediately, kissing him back, her arms coming up to hold him for a moment before she tore her lips away. As she tilted her head, he took advantage, stealing the words from her lips before she could utter any, and pressed his lips to the pulse point in her neck, just under her chin. Using his teeth, gently, he made her breath catch and his name came out on a gasp.

Smiling against her skin, Lux traced kisses down over her neck, to the collar of her shirt and it was only then that Ahsoka pushed him away. He was suddenly being held at arm's length, his hands sliding to her shoulders to avoid being pushed further.

"Lux, stop." She shook her head. "Just… stop, okay?"

He stilled. "You don't want to?"

"I _want_ to talk," she countered, not meeting his gaze. "We can do _that_ later."

Again, a not now. Inwardly, he was disappointed. He'd been looking forward to following through if she'd proved willing. "What did you want to say?"

"About Saw-"

"We're done talking about _Saw_, Ahsoka," his words were hard, but Lux knew if he didn't draw the line, she'd keep pushing. "_Saw_ is a highly trained and authorized government official. _You_ are my guest. Anything he shows you could be constituted as treason if the wrong people found out. Most of his work is classified. You're not cleared to see that material."

"I was cleared for classified and higher in the GAR, Lux." Ahsoka looked irritated. "I helped you train your people to free you from the droid army and I did it, yes, while I was a Jedi, but I'm far better qualified than _Saw_ to be the General of your army!"

"Saw has his weak points, I agree, but he has his strengths too. One of them being that he's a native to Onderon. Something you, much as I wish it, can never be."

"You're not listening to me, Lux," she pushed him away and paced several steps away before rounding on him again. "I am better qualified than Saw for a position of military authority. If you don't want to give me that, I'm fine with it. Better than fine, actually. I don't have any desire to go back on the front lines just yet."

"Then why push it? If you work with Saw, you'll be getting closer by the contract."

"Then I'll deal with it when it happens," Ahsoka took a deep breath. "I've spent the better part of the last four years on the front lines. I've seen just about every tactic the Separatists use and I'm far more knowledgeable when it comes to troops and deployments. Surely all of that experience counts for something!"

"All of that experience is with _Clones_, Ahsoka." Lux shook his head. "No. Saw has other advisors. Advisors who understand how Onderonians think and react. People who know how _normal_ men fare under fire, not men engineered for war."

"Clones _are_ normal men!"

"I didn't mean-"

"You did." Her eyes blazed and her words were clipped. "You meant every word of that. How can you think that when _Clones_ are the ones dying on the front lines to try and bring stability back to the Republic?"

"You know how."

"Just because they killed your father, doesn't mean they're not men - that they're not human."

His lips tightened and somehow he kept his tone as even as hers. "Whatever they are, they're created in a laboratory. They're built, like machines, from a genetic code instead of wires and servos."

"Built in a lab or naturally, the way life is created might be different, but it develops the same." Her words were getting tighter, quieter, if that was possible, yet her eyes flashed with fierceness. "Yes, they were created, but the _how_ they were created shouldn't matter. Regardless of the circumstances of their existence, they live, just like you and I. They're _human_. Like you!"

"They're _nothing_ like me!" His comeback was sharp. "They didn't have a mother or a father. They don't know what it is to watch either one of them die!"

"They're _brothers_, Lux. They know what it is to lose one another."

"They're built to specification and _programmed_ for it, Ahsoka. Living, breathing machines who-"

"They are _not_ machines!"

Lux snapped his lips shut, taking a deep breath to reign in his temper. Looking at her, seeing her so determined to defend the men who weren't really men, pity suddenly swept him. That she couldn't see something so obvious was sad. Working with the Clones for so long had obviously warped her perception. "They're flash trained, just like a droid is flashed for its memory."

"Anyone can be flash trained."

"Not as easily as a Clone." Shaking his head, he forged onwards as he held up his hands to forestall her next riposte. "I'm not going to fight with you about _Clones_. There's no point in arguing about this. Your time with the GAR and the Jedi is over." Lux kept his words firm. "You came here to get a fresh start, Ahsoka. Working with Saw isn't the way to get away from it."

"I don't want to get away from it. I need to use what I know. To put it to good use."

"Then use other things you know. Continuing to dredge up these past connections isn't going to help you to grow and move forward."

"I need to feel useful, Lux. Attending your mundane meetings isn't enough."

"If you participated, maybe you're find it more engaging." His tone turned accusatory. "All you do is sit and watch. You never speak up. you don't voice your opinions. You don't act like you want to be there at all."

"I have no interest in learning Onderon's politics. Don't you see? I've had enough of politics. Politics are what drove me here in the first place!"

"Drove you here?" He was appalled to hear her put it that way. "You chose to come here!"

"Yes," she agreed, "I did, but I didn't exactly have a lot of other options," the truth stung even more. "I thought this was the best one; someplace familiar with someone who was willing to support me as I worked out what to do with my life." Her eyes flashed again even as her tone turned almost sad. "Now I'm starting to think I should have gone somewhere else."

_No!_ He refused to let her consider it. "Saying something in the heat of-" he almost said anger, but Ahsoka didn't _get_ angry, "-the moment, normally means saying something you might regret later. I have a meeting in," he glanced at the chrono, keeping his hurt in check, "two minutes that you won't wish to come to. We'll talk later."

"Lux, don't-"

"Later, Ahsoka," he turned on his heel and headed for the entrance. "I have work to do."

* * *

Lux left her to go to his meeting and Ahsoka watched him go, knowing she should stop him but unable to find the will to do it. He was determined to see things from his point of view and his point of view alone.

_He's not listening to me. _Had he ever? She shook her head, sighing, as she turned to head back out, pausing on the threshold and wondering if she might at least give what he was suggesting a try. Was Lux the only one not listening or was she guilty of the same? Could she not at least _try_ to do as he suggested and work with another branch that wasn't involved with the war effort?

Determined to ensure that wasn't the case, she headed for the meeting that Lux had mentioned, determined to give it one last shot.

What she missed when she slipped in quietly by the door, was the satisfied, _gratified, _grin that crossed Lux's face for a heartbeat when he caught sight of her. The meeting, for all she'd been willing to give it one last go, only reinforced what she'd been trying to tell Lux and, at the end of it, Ahsoka disappeared before he could escape the entourage of retainers that always sought him out.

It was for the best.

Ahsoka found she had no desire to argue with Lux at that moment as she sought her quiet place on the roof for the first time in several days. She needed to think about what she wanted without the influence of what Lux wanted for her or from her.

The answers, she found several hours later as she watched the sun set, weren't as easy to come by as she'd thought.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Last chapter for this fic. Thanks for reading!

Happy New Year, everyone, I hope it brings you everything you wish for! Bonne Année!

* * *

Part 6

_Seventy Five Days Post Leaving the Jedi Order_

Lux was sleeping when Ahsoka slipped from the room and dressed in the darkness. It was shortly after midnight and she had no desire to wake him. She moved quietly, stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her before exhaling softly. _They have to be around here somewhere. _

Leaving the hallway, Ahsoka crossed the main living room and resumed her search, a search that had begun several days ago when she'd realized what needed to happen with her and Lux. But she wasn't willing to initiate that conversation without getting what belonged to her first.

Having searched the bedroom, the kitchenette, the main living areas, the storage and the easiest places first, Ahsoka had left Lux's personal office for last. Not having found anything about them in any of his records in his primary office, or the database she'd hacked, they had to be nearby. Picking the lock proved to be easier than she'd anticipated, and the door opened with a click. _Lux… _her silent admonishment was inwardly exasperated, _didn't anyone ever tell you to pick random codes?_

Pushing the thought away, Ahsoka began her search. Starting with his desk, which quickly proved futile, she moved meticulously and methodically through the room. No surface escaped her fingertips as Ahsoka searched for hidden doors and panels, listening for the echoes behind the surfaces and matching them to what she could see.

Less than an hour passed before she found what she was looking for and, as she pulled back the false base on the lowest of the bookshelves, she could only stare. Before her, covered in dust and dirt, forgotten and neglected, were two familiar DC-17 pistols.

Gently, reverently, she plucked them from their place of dishonor, her throat tight. _I'm sorry, Rex._ She'd promised to take care of them and failed miserably. Brushing off the leather of the weapons belt and seeing the material dulled with abuse, determination filled her. She might have neglected to keep her promise until now, but she was going to start.

Clearing off a space on Lux's desk with a sweep of her arm, Ahsoka didn't care what work she was disturbing as she gently placed the blasters down on the polished surface. She opened the bottom drawer of Lux's desk and pulled out a handful of cloths that she'd discovered during her initial search along with a bottle of expensive oil.

It wasn't what the battle scarred blasters were used to, but it would do. Setting everything that she would need together and within reach, Ahsoka set to work.

* * *

The bed was empty when Lux woke shortly after dawn, the sunlight of his native Onderon streaming through his bedroom window. He yawned, stretching, his hand seeking Ahsoka's cool form only to find empty sheets. His brow puckered as he turned, opening his eyes, to find the covers thrown back and the pillow already regaining its shape.

He frowned. "Ahsoka?"

There was no answer to his query and Lux pushed himself up on one elbow, looking around only to find the room as empty as it felt. This was the third time in as many days he'd woken alone and he was finding he didn't like it. He'd gotten used to having her beside him when he opened his eyes. The odd time, he'd been able to persuade her for a little morning fun.

Not having her in the room when he woke was irksome, but after spending quite some time worshiping her body the night before, he was willing to overlook it; he wasn't fully recovered yet and Ahsoka had become a very demanding lover. Throwing back the covers, he reached for the robe on the end of the bed, shrugging into it and belting it to cover his nudity. For all Ahsoka shared his bed, he'd learned she was shy outside of their bed and he did what he could to mitigate it.

Sliding his feet into his slippers, he padded from the bedroom and down the hall, passing the 'fresher when a quick glance showed the lights were off. He passed through the main living area, still seeing no sign of her, before entering the kitchenette.

A familiar figure awaited him, caf in hand, her back to the doorway in which he stood. To his surprise, she was dressed in a color he'd not seen in months. A burgundy top, tight fitting and very reminiscent of her battle dress, was tucked into a pair of black leggings. On her hips were a sight he'd hoped never to see again, but Lux pushed aside that minor that irritation. He'd deal with the whys, where and hows of them being there later. For the moment, he just wanted to hold her. He could dispose of those abominations later, this time permanently.

"There you are," he stepped into the room. "I told you I don't like waking alone. Why didn't you wake me?"

She didn't reply to his question, didn't so much as turn her head, but Lux didn't notice as he poured a mug of caf from the carafe, took a sip and then turned back to her. She hadn't moved, so he placed his caf on the counter and slipped up behind her to press himself into her back, bending to kiss her neck and sliding his hands around her waist. Her muscles rippled under his fingertips as he slid them towards the front of her body and upwards only to have her grasp his hands, stopping them. He opened his mouth to protest but she beat him to it.

"I can't do this anymore, Lux."

He stopped, his lips bare millimeters from her neck before finishing the caress, failing to notice how she tensed. "I agree," he supplied, "You shouldn't leave the bed before I wake up. I miss you when you do that."

She exhaled. "I'm not talking about _that_."

"Oh," he squeezed her before withdrawing a little, considering her words and then realized she had to be talking about their schedules. She'd been restless for days, so it only made sense she'd eventually bring it up. "I don't blame you. We need to find some aspect of office that's better suited to your unique skill set."

Unexpectedly, she pulled away, turning to face him, her expression sad but resolved. "I don't mean your politics either. I mean this," she made a motion between them. "Us."

"What about us? We make a great team. You know there's no one I'd rather have beside me."

"I know, Lux, but it's all about you. This thing between us isn't good for me."

Hurt, he pulled back. "What do you mean?"

She sighed, turning and pacing away, but her whole posture screamed her tension.

Watching her, an uncomfortable and unexpected knot of dread pooled in his stomach. "Ahsoka? What do you mean?"

She turned back to face him, hands dropping to caress the paired Republic blasters on her hips before they fell completely to her sides. After a moment they lifted again, stretched out to the sides. "This isn't me, Lux. Maybe when I first got here it was, but this person you seem to think I am, she doesn't exist."

Wondering where this nonsense was coming from, he frowned. "You look pretty real to me."

"Maybe physically, but I'm not who you think I am. This… this isn't me."

"I don't understand."

"When I arrived you let me lean on you," her words were muted, but her gaze never left his and gave him no reason to doubt her sincerity, "and I did. I did because I was broken. Lost. You gave me time to heal and think and I can never repay you for that."

"You're here with me. You chose me," he countered, still not understanding what she was talking about. "I don't need anything more but you with me."

"But that's the thing. I _didn't_ choose you. I simply didn't protest when you chose me."

"I don't understand what you're talking about, Ahsoka. We share a room and a bed. We _live_ together. As far as the populace is concerned, you're already my wife!"

"I am _not_ your wife, Lux. I have never been and..." She paused and winced but straightened her shoulders as if anticipating a blow, "and I never will be."

He felt as if she'd struck him. "You don't mean that."

"I wish I didn't."

She wasn't serious. She couldn't be! "You came to me willingly, Ahsoka, I can't believe you feel nothing for me. I love you!"

"But I can't love you the way you need, Lux. I can't be coddle and protected or lean on you all the time. I can't handle you working to control who I see and what I do. This caged creature isn't me."

"Then I'll stop," he'd promise her anything in that moment to make her take it back. "I'll change."

Her smile turned sad as she shook her head. "I know you. You might try, but it would never last. You need someone you can protect. Someone who needs you and everything you can offer. I'm not her."

Even as he watched, her hands slipped back to the blasters as her hips, as if drawing comfort, or strength, from them. Her hands were caressing the blasters with far more care and solicitation than she'd ever given _him_. Lux had the urge to tear them off her as an ugly suspicion formed in his mind. "You're going back."

"I'll never be a Jedi again. That isn't my path."

"Not to the Jedi, to the GAR." He couldn't keep the jealousy and venom from his tone. "To _him_!"

"Anakin can't take me back as an app-"

"Not Anakin," he couldn't believe how deliberately obtuse she was being and pointed an accusatory finger at her. "That _clone - _Rex!"

"Rex?" She looked genuinely shocked and bewildered but Lux was too hurt to see it for what it was. "What does Rex have to-"

"Everything, Ahsoka! _Every. Thing._"

"Lux, you're not making any sense, Rex has nothing to-"

"_Liar!_" He lunged at her, reaching for the claps of the weapon's belt on her hips as he shouted his accusations. "You wear his favor and dare say otherwise?"

Ahsoka was quicker than he was and danced easily out of his reach, her hand on the belt protectively. "Try it again and I'll pin you to the wall with the Force until you calm down. What's gotten into you? Rex has nothing to do with my decision to leave. Even if he did, it wouldn't be any of your business anyway!"

"You're just saying that. Why wear those blasters if he had nothing to do with this? They were his!"

"Because they were a _gift_," she snapped back at him, "a _gift_, Lux,from a friend who never asked for anything from me except acceptance!"

"And I didn't?"

"Didn't you?" Her eyes flashed as she took a deep breath, visibly calming herself. "You told me the first day we…" she flushed, "you _said _you'd hoped we'd always be more, that it was something you wanted when I came here. That's an ulterior motive, Lux. That wasn't being a friend and looking out for me - that was looking out for _you_."

"I've done nothing but look after you since you got here," he snapped back, unbelievably hurt. How could she say such a thing? "I've done everything I can to help you, Ahsoka!"

"You did everything you could to help yourself to me, you mean."

"I welcomed you here with open arms. I gave you a home, a purpose, how can you think that I was only thinking of myself?"

"Lux-" she stopped, shaking her head and for a moment the only sound in the room was his ragged, frustrated breathing. "I'm sorry," she finally told him softly, her gaze never wavering from his.

His heart, which had been in his throat for most of the conversation, eased a little. "Let's just forget about it," he told her, forcing a smile. "We both have a busy day ahead of us."

"You might, but I don't." She stepped back, putting a little more distance between them with a shake of her head. "I'm leaving Lux."

"You can't leave," the words slipped out before he considered his tone or their contents, "you have obligations to Onderon. To _me_!"

"No." Ahsoka's own words were firm and concise. "I don't."

"The hell you don't. You _owe _me!"

"I don't owe you anything, Lux. "

"Don't you?" He couldn't help himself, he advanced on her and Ahsoka quick stepped back, leaving him next to the counter. "I took you in when you had no one and nowhere to go, Ahsoka. I gave you…" he stopped, surprised to find he was shaking, vibrating, but the words seemed to keep coming despite his attempts to stem them, "I gave you a home. A purpose. I gave you, everything. I gave you, _me_!"

"Is that what you think?"

"That's not what I think," clenching his hands into fists, he countered her argument, desperately trying not to reach for her and have her make good on her promise. "It's what I know."

"What you know." Ahsoka shifted, putting the island in the kitchenette between them and placed her hands on the edge. Her expression was serious. "Then you _knew_ you were putting me in a cage?"

"What?"

Her gaze was direct, her words even and measured. "When I first got here, I was in no shape to do anything, to make any kind of decision. I didn't know what wanted or what I was going to do, but you didn't give me the space to make the choices I should have."

"Ahsoka-"

"I'm not done."

Her tone was sharp and his lips snapped shut.

"You let me lean on you, Lux, but you didn't do it in a way that was good for me. You filled my days with work you thought I should be doing. You made me a public icon and then you took away _everything_ I had with me. You took away my clothes and then went so far as to take the blasters, my only real link left to the life I'd left behind."

"I thought-" He started to speak and then snapped his lips shut when she leveled a look on him. The woman before him wasn't the willing bed partner that had shared his bunk these last weeks or the broken teenager that had first arrived on Onderon. Ahsoka's presence in those moments reminded him more of the person she'd been before her arrival and, in face of that determination, he responded without thinking and cut himself off.

Ahsoka resumed speaking. "You took away things that were precious to me and tried to replace them with things that were precious to you."

"I didn't."

"My battle dress for an Onderonian wardrobe? My blasters for your mother's old weapons?" With a shake of her head, she looked resigned. "You can tell yourself that you were doing it for me, Lux, but I know you. You didn't try and keep me away from the war meetings for my benefit; you did it so that I wouldn't miss any part of my old life, the one that didn't include you."

"I was just trying to make things easier for you, is that such a bad thing?"

"You were forcing me to rely on you, to come to you for everything. You regimented my days and organized my activities. You even got me drunk that one night at the party when we… you…" she stopped, taking a breath, "the night we first shared a bed."

"That was mutual!"

"I'm sorry, Lux."

"Why are you saying these things _now_?" Each word seemed to lance into his chest like knifes, twisting with cruel deliberation. "I thought… I asked you, Ahsoka, every step of the way, and you didn't _once_ tell me you were having second thoughts!"

"You wouldn't have listened if I had."

"I would have listened," desperate, he flinched under her regard. "I _would_ have!"

"Lux… you wouldn't have. These past two months, all you've heard, all you've seen, is what you wanted to. I could have told you I was having second thoughts, and you would have seen it as a challenge to change my mind." A pained expression crossed her face. "And I would have let you. I'm as much to blame for this mess, more maybe, because I let this go on as long as it has."

"Then stay with me and make it better, help me make this, make _us_, work!"

Ahsoka straightened and shook her head. "I'm sorry, but you and I don't work. You need someone who _wants_ to lean on you and I'm not her."

"I love you, Ahsoka," he told her as she turned to go, his voice breaking as his legs threatened to give way. "Please don't leave me."

"That's part of the problem, Lux." She paused, glancing back over her shoulder and offered him a small, sad smile. "I was never here in the first place."

* * *

Lux's cry echoed behind her as Ahsoka slipped from the room, pausing only to collect the jacket she'd left by the door. It held everything she felt right in bringing with her and she'd left everything behind she didn't.

Ahsoka crossed through the estate and towards the main gates. When the guards made to stop her, she gave them a look that had kept many a shiny in line and they withdrew, visibly shaken. Lux hadn't wanted her to leave, still didn't want her to leave, but what he didn't understand and probably never would, was that she wasn't his to keep. She never had been. The person he'd seen these last weeks had been her at her worst and he'd taken advantage of it, using that as a way to bind her to him. To _make_ her stay with him. Worse, she'd let him do it.

Ahsoka refused to be coerced or manipulated any longer, be it by his good intentions gone wrong, or her own inability to refuse.

Stepping free of the estate, she took in a deep breath before shrugging into her jacket. Setting it carefully around the stocks of the blasters on her hips, she ran her fingertips over the newly cleaned metal. _One day Rex,_ she vowed silently, _one day I'll bring these back to you and on that day I'll have accomplished something to make you proud of me._

Until then, she would do everything in her power to take the hard lessons she'd learned and put them to good use. For starters, she was going to stop running from what she was good at and put the skills she'd honed during her time with the Jedi and Torrent Company to good use. Pulling out her comlink, she keyed the frequency she'd programmed in earlier. She didn't have long to wait.

_"Gerrera."_

"Saw, it's Ahsoka." She smiled. "I have a proposition for you…"

_fin_


End file.
